If you haven't seen the first two parts, head on over to collegehumor.com to check them out. Hilarious stuff!
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I Give Up...
You know, I really didn't want to do this. I was content to set the keyboard aside until New Years Day and spend my time thinking of resolutions and watching shitty college football bowl games, but no. Nope. This fucking world cannot leave me alone. Let's have another fun multiple choice quiz, shall we?
This year for Christmas, Carter got:
A) Lots of cool schwag like iPods and DVD's.
B) Clothes
C) A call out of the blue from someone he really he cares about and misses like crazy.
D) His ATM card number stolen and his bank account nearly wiped out by some scum-sucking shitbag in California charging shit at Wal-Mart.
If you answered "D", you get a gold star! Look up to the heavens once again and thank the creator you aren't living in the hell that is my life!
I know I've done shitty things. I've hurt people and I've made a lot of bad decisions, but for the love of God, what the hell did I do to deserve this latest clusterfuck? All my life I've tried to be a good person. I've stayed away from every vice you can think of, from smoking to gambling to drugs, and hell, I'm pretty sure I only had one stay in detention in my entire academic career. I consider myself a good friend, I don't abuse, neglect, mistreat, or cheat on women, and I have manners and respect for my elders. I have a clean, neat appearance, I bathe, I shave. I have a four-year college degree, and I don't spend my life walking around being a total asshole to every human being on the planet.
You know what I say to all of that? Why? For what? None of it seems to matter. I'm not shirking responsibility here. I know I could have busted my ass harder and had more ambition in my life, but fuck man, there's just no excuse for the amount of shit that I've had piled on me just in the past two years. Did I anger the cosmic forces somehow? Does someone out there have something against me? What the hell, man? Do I deserve to apply for job after countless job and never even get so much as a phone call? Do I deserve to have weird random injuries and illnesses no one seems to be able to explain like a collapsed lung that put me on the shelf for months at a time? Do I deserve to have what little money I have left in the world stolen by some piece of shit hacker? What's going on here?
I don't know. Maybe I do deserve all of this. Though I never did anything to stain mankind, I guess I never contributed much to the cause, either. I suppose I'm being sent a pretty huge message by someone out there, and it says, "All right, the way you've been doing it for 32 years ain't cuttin' it kid. What else have you got for us?" To whoever it is out there sending this message, the only thing I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I'll try something else. I don't know what, but I'll try. Just stop all this terrible shit for a while, ok?
Merry Christmas...
This year for Christmas, Carter got:
A) Lots of cool schwag like iPods and DVD's.
B) Clothes
C) A call out of the blue from someone he really he cares about and misses like crazy.
D) His ATM card number stolen and his bank account nearly wiped out by some scum-sucking shitbag in California charging shit at Wal-Mart.
If you answered "D", you get a gold star! Look up to the heavens once again and thank the creator you aren't living in the hell that is my life!
I know I've done shitty things. I've hurt people and I've made a lot of bad decisions, but for the love of God, what the hell did I do to deserve this latest clusterfuck? All my life I've tried to be a good person. I've stayed away from every vice you can think of, from smoking to gambling to drugs, and hell, I'm pretty sure I only had one stay in detention in my entire academic career. I consider myself a good friend, I don't abuse, neglect, mistreat, or cheat on women, and I have manners and respect for my elders. I have a clean, neat appearance, I bathe, I shave. I have a four-year college degree, and I don't spend my life walking around being a total asshole to every human being on the planet.
You know what I say to all of that? Why? For what? None of it seems to matter. I'm not shirking responsibility here. I know I could have busted my ass harder and had more ambition in my life, but fuck man, there's just no excuse for the amount of shit that I've had piled on me just in the past two years. Did I anger the cosmic forces somehow? Does someone out there have something against me? What the hell, man? Do I deserve to apply for job after countless job and never even get so much as a phone call? Do I deserve to have weird random injuries and illnesses no one seems to be able to explain like a collapsed lung that put me on the shelf for months at a time? Do I deserve to have what little money I have left in the world stolen by some piece of shit hacker? What's going on here?
I don't know. Maybe I do deserve all of this. Though I never did anything to stain mankind, I guess I never contributed much to the cause, either. I suppose I'm being sent a pretty huge message by someone out there, and it says, "All right, the way you've been doing it for 32 years ain't cuttin' it kid. What else have you got for us?" To whoever it is out there sending this message, the only thing I can say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I'll try something else. I don't know what, but I'll try. Just stop all this terrible shit for a while, ok?
Merry Christmas...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Year In Review
Well, it's the end of yet another year gang. They fly by faster and faster these days. 2006 is just about in the record books, so here's a completely unnecessary look back at all the superficial bullshit I was talking about during the year, as well as my picks for favorite album, TV show, movie, etc. I'll be putting the ol' keyboard in moth balls during Christmas and New Years, so no new blogs 'til 2007. Try not to weep openly. Enjoy this article and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year boys and girls.
2006: The Year In Review
Favorite album of 2006: TIE-Pearl Jam-Pearl Jam and Tool-10,000 Days.
This one's a tie because both these CD's were released on the same day and I probably listened to them an equal number of times. Though they have excruciatingly long wait times between albums (averaging about 4-5 years), Tool never disappoints, and their album artwork and music also never fails to get darker or more disturbing with each release. 10,000 Days has some awesome stereoscopic images (click here to learn all about stereoscope stuff), which you can view with lenses built right into the amazing packaging, just make sure you don't do it at night or you may never get to sleep (yes, they are that spooky). The album isn't about flashy packaging though, this time out, Tool delivers a complex, almost prog-rock symphony of chugging guitars and haunting verses. It's not an easy listen but it's rewarding, especially on the labyrinthine "Jambi". (You see that, "Labyrinthine"! Eat that Rolling Stone album reviewers!)
Pearl Jam's'06 self-titled release was not quite the return to Ten or even Vs. form, but the band
showed more signs of vitality than it has in ages on the album. Political themes (specifically anti-Bush sentiments) again were at the forefront of Eddie Vedder's writing, evident in the first single "World Wide Suicide" and many more tracks throughout like "Marker in the Sand" and "Army Reserve". For my money, the best song on the disc is "Gone", a simple, yet soaring declaration of independence and escape from a dull existence.
Favorite movie of 2006: The Departed
Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Superman Returns, and all the other summer blockbusters that I wasted my time and money on this year. 2006 had to be the most disappointing year at the box office since that unholy, festering pile of rancid hippo shit known as Summer movie season 2000 (Mission Impossible 2, Swordfish, Charlie's Angels, etc...shudder). I enjoyed Superman Returns but Bryan Singer inexcusably fucked a lot of shit up that should've been easy to get right. Next time out the tone, lighting, and overall design need to be much less drab and dreary, and for the love of God, re-cast Lois. Kate Bosworth was painful to watch.
On the other hand, The Departed just fucking nailed it. With a cast like Jack Nicholson, Leonardo Dicaprio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg, and a director with a resume' like Scorcese, you would expect nothing short of awesomness, and that's exactly what the Departed delivered. A tense, hard-boiled, brutal crime drama in Boston that kicked my ass from beginning to end. This flick can rest comfortably on the shelf next to Goodfellas, Casino, and Taxi Driver, and not feel the least bit intimidated.
Favorite video game of 2006: None.
I can't afford to play these new fangled video games. Xbox 360? PS3? Wii? Fuck 'em. I'll play Street Fighter II on an Emulator on my shitty computer, thank you very much.
Hottest woman of 2006: Scarlett Johannsen
If you can look at this picture and not feel it move just a little, you are gay. Stop reading this and go tell your family.
Worst sports moment of 2006: Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees
The officiating in the Patriots divisional playoff loss to Denver in January was pretty horrific, as was the team's subsequent failure to re-sign Adam Vinatieri and Deion Branch, but losing Johnny Damon to the New York Yankees was absolutely devastating. The man the Sox signed to play center field in Damon's place was injured in the first month of the season and never recovered. Johnny's absence and the decimation of the pitching staff through injuries sent the Red Sox into a tailspin, finishing in an unthinkable third place behind the Blue Jays.
Best "Holy Shit!" moment of 2006: Battlestar Galactica drops into New Caprica's atmosphere:
You have to be a Battlestar Galactica nerd to truly appreciate how pants-creamingly awesome this moment was. In the second episode of the third season, "Exodus: Part II", Adama needs a plan to help the people of Cylon-occupied New Caprica get their ships off the ground. The solution? Jump the absolutely massive Battlestar Galactica right into the planets' atmosphere, launch fighters to destroy the Cylons on the ground, then jump back out into space before the ship plummets to a fiery crash at 8 billion miles per hour. Fucking genius!
Favorite TV Show of 2006: LOST
I bet you thought I was going to say Battlestar Galactica after that last paragraph, but BSG hasn't replaced my Wednesday night fix of island castaways, mysterious hatches, dramatic flashbacks, smoke monsters, and psychotic polar bears just yet. Despite all the scheduling flaws
and the shows' glacial pace when it comes to revealing mysteries, LOST continues to be the best program on Television because of the richness and depth of its' characters. Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Locke, Desmond, and even the "Others" Juliet and Ben, put you under their spell every week as you watch them try to survive on this increasingly bizarre island. Get a hold of the first and second season DVD's, watch the pilot episode, and if you say you aren't hooked instantly, you're a dirty liar.
Biggest Trainwreck of 2006: Britney Spears
Duh. (reallllly NSFW).
Favorite event of 2006: My best friend's wedding and the birth of my honorary nephew, Sammy.
Congratulations Marc & Steph and Tiana & Ryan!
Merry Christmas everyone!
This one's a tie because both these CD's were released on the same day and I probably listened to them an equal number of times. Though they have excruciatingly long wait times between albums (averaging about 4-5 years), Tool never disappoints, and their album artwork and music also never fails to get darker or more disturbing with each release. 10,000 Days has some awesome stereoscopic images (click here to learn all about stereoscope stuff), which you can view with lenses built right into the amazing packaging, just make sure you don't do it at night or you may never get to sleep (yes, they are that spooky). The album isn't about flashy packaging though, this time out, Tool delivers a complex, almost prog-rock symphony of chugging guitars and haunting verses. It's not an easy listen but it's rewarding, especially on the labyrinthine "Jambi". (You see that, "Labyrinthine"! Eat that Rolling Stone album reviewers!)Pearl Jam's'06 self-titled release was not quite the return to Ten or even Vs. form, but the band
showed more signs of vitality than it has in ages on the album. Political themes (specifically anti-Bush sentiments) again were at the forefront of Eddie Vedder's writing, evident in the first single "World Wide Suicide" and many more tracks throughout like "Marker in the Sand" and "Army Reserve". For my money, the best song on the disc is "Gone", a simple, yet soaring declaration of independence and escape from a dull existence.Favorite movie of 2006: The Departed
Fuck Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Superman Returns, and all the other summer blockbusters that I wasted my time and money on this year. 2006 had to be the most disappointing year at the box office since that unholy, festering pile of rancid hippo shit known as Summer movie season 2000 (Mission Impossible 2, Swordfish, Charlie's Angels, etc...shudder). I enjoyed Superman Returns but Bryan Singer inexcusably fucked a lot of shit up that should've been easy to get right. Next time out the tone, lighting, and overall design need to be much less drab and dreary, and for the love of God, re-cast Lois. Kate Bosworth was painful to watch.On the other hand, The Departed just fucking nailed it. With a cast like Jack Nicholson, Leonardo Dicaprio, Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg, and a director with a resume' like Scorcese, you would expect nothing short of awesomness, and that's exactly what the Departed delivered. A tense, hard-boiled, brutal crime drama in Boston that kicked my ass from beginning to end. This flick can rest comfortably on the shelf next to Goodfellas, Casino, and Taxi Driver, and not feel the least bit intimidated.
Favorite video game of 2006: None.
I can't afford to play these new fangled video games. Xbox 360? PS3? Wii? Fuck 'em. I'll play Street Fighter II on an Emulator on my shitty computer, thank you very much.
Hottest woman of 2006: Scarlett Johannsen
If you can look at this picture and not feel it move just a little, you are gay. Stop reading this and go tell your family.
Worst sports moment of 2006: Johnny Damon signing with the Yankees
The officiating in the Patriots divisional playoff loss to Denver in January was pretty horrific, as was the team's subsequent failure to re-sign Adam Vinatieri and Deion Branch, but losing Johnny Damon to the New York Yankees was absolutely devastating. The man the Sox signed to play center field in Damon's place was injured in the first month of the season and never recovered. Johnny's absence and the decimation of the pitching staff through injuries sent the Red Sox into a tailspin, finishing in an unthinkable third place behind the Blue Jays.
Best "Holy Shit!" moment of 2006: Battlestar Galactica drops into New Caprica's atmosphere:
You have to be a Battlestar Galactica nerd to truly appreciate how pants-creamingly awesome this moment was. In the second episode of the third season, "Exodus: Part II", Adama needs a plan to help the people of Cylon-occupied New Caprica get their ships off the ground. The solution? Jump the absolutely massive Battlestar Galactica right into the planets' atmosphere, launch fighters to destroy the Cylons on the ground, then jump back out into space before the ship plummets to a fiery crash at 8 billion miles per hour. Fucking genius!Favorite TV Show of 2006: LOST
I bet you thought I was going to say Battlestar Galactica after that last paragraph, but BSG hasn't replaced my Wednesday night fix of island castaways, mysterious hatches, dramatic flashbacks, smoke monsters, and psychotic polar bears just yet. Despite all the scheduling flaws
and the shows' glacial pace when it comes to revealing mysteries, LOST continues to be the best program on Television because of the richness and depth of its' characters. Jack, Sawyer, Kate, Sayid, Charlie, Locke, Desmond, and even the "Others" Juliet and Ben, put you under their spell every week as you watch them try to survive on this increasingly bizarre island. Get a hold of the first and second season DVD's, watch the pilot episode, and if you say you aren't hooked instantly, you're a dirty liar.Biggest Trainwreck of 2006: Britney Spears
Duh. (reallllly NSFW).
Favorite event of 2006: My best friend's wedding and the birth of my honorary nephew, Sammy.
Congratulations Marc & Steph and Tiana & Ryan!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Crashing To Earth
Last night I dreamt I met this cheery, beautiful, petite little pixie of a girl at some kind of huge outdoor stadium event. She had a beaming smile and the brightest blonde hair I've ever seen. She told me it was her job to make this announcement at the event then get flung through the air on this catapult/bungee device (like you would see at an amusement park or a circus), and land on a huge net.
So this little happy-go-lucky waif gets strapped into this thing, says something that I can't remember into a microphone, then is blasted high in the air. When she reached the apex of her aerial maneuver, I realized, much to my horror, that the net was not in position. I watched helplessly as my radiant acrobat crashed down on her neck from a terrifing height. I ran over to her lifeless body, then chaos ensued. Sirens, people shouting, an ambulance arriving. I don't remember much after that other than I knew she was dead.
I wonder what this person was meant to signify? Perhaps this tiny ball of positve energy represented hope for the future...but if so, does that mean anything good in my llife will eventually be flung away and destroyed? I don't know, but this little metaphorical journey certainly didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. If there's one thing I don't need right now, it's ominous portents.
So this little happy-go-lucky waif gets strapped into this thing, says something that I can't remember into a microphone, then is blasted high in the air. When she reached the apex of her aerial maneuver, I realized, much to my horror, that the net was not in position. I watched helplessly as my radiant acrobat crashed down on her neck from a terrifing height. I ran over to her lifeless body, then chaos ensued. Sirens, people shouting, an ambulance arriving. I don't remember much after that other than I knew she was dead.
I wonder what this person was meant to signify? Perhaps this tiny ball of positve energy represented hope for the future...but if so, does that mean anything good in my llife will eventually be flung away and destroyed? I don't know, but this little metaphorical journey certainly didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. If there's one thing I don't need right now, it's ominous portents.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Tom Brady News Flash
Tom Brady News Flash
This is absolutely hilarious. I envy this guy's comic writing skills. My only response to this news is, "What the hell took so long, Tom?" I just hope he doesn't take Natalie Portman or Scar Jo. Hands off Tom, they're mine.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Star Wars Christmas
Here's a link to some hilarious (and disturbing) Star Wars images transformed into Christmas themes thanks to the magic of photoshop. In case you're too lazy to check them all out, here' s the best one:
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Good Tidings...
I'm sitting here listening to ol' Satchmo sing "White Christmas" on the iTunes, and Louis never sounded better to these ears. Earlier this week I got my grubby paws on a DVD containing 4 Gigs of Christmas MP3's by artists ranging from The Beach Boys to Billy Idol. Yes, Billy Idol has a Christmas album, and it rules the Earth. You could even say it "Pwns". The coolest thing about it has to be the cover:
Just look at that! Classic! Tell me you don't want to run out and buy this CD right now. Go ahead. The other notable detail about this record is the fact that Billy has recorded all of your favorite Christmas tunes in traditional style. That's right, no Steve Stevens lazer gun guitar solos or "White Wedding" changed to "White Christmas". This is classic, straight up Christmas classics sung gently and faithfully by Billy fucking Idol. The guy even combed his hair for this damned thing. It's tremendous. Get a hold of it if you can. (And while you're at it, try the Twisted Sister Christmas album, too!).
Despite everything in my life sucking, I've got some good Christmas spirit tonight. It probably has a lot to due with a "Friendsgiving" dinner / gathering I attended last night. When times are dark, it's always so reassuring to know that there are people in the world that will never judge you or the choices you've made in life. They'll be there to love you and raise their glass to yours in a toast. And that's just about the best Christmas gift anybody could ever ask for. Well, that and a PS3, or perhaps an iPod...
Just look at that! Classic! Tell me you don't want to run out and buy this CD right now. Go ahead. The other notable detail about this record is the fact that Billy has recorded all of your favorite Christmas tunes in traditional style. That's right, no Steve Stevens lazer gun guitar solos or "White Wedding" changed to "White Christmas". This is classic, straight up Christmas classics sung gently and faithfully by Billy fucking Idol. The guy even combed his hair for this damned thing. It's tremendous. Get a hold of it if you can. (And while you're at it, try the Twisted Sister Christmas album, too!).Despite everything in my life sucking, I've got some good Christmas spirit tonight. It probably has a lot to due with a "Friendsgiving" dinner / gathering I attended last night. When times are dark, it's always so reassuring to know that there are people in the world that will never judge you or the choices you've made in life. They'll be there to love you and raise their glass to yours in a toast. And that's just about the best Christmas gift anybody could ever ask for. Well, that and a PS3, or perhaps an iPod...
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Inconsequential...
Shit. I haven't written anything in a few days. Not only that, but I haven't written anything worthwhile since God-knows-when. Sometimes blogging is a lot like raking leaves. It starts off fun, with nice weather and pretty colors, and making nice piles to jump in, but then it turns into a pain in the ass chore that you have to finish once you've started.
I was thinking about doing a big mega-post where I put up an Amazon Christmas wish-list with links and photos of all the DVD's, CD's, and books that I want, but I'm too fucking lazy and I don't deserve to have any of it because my broke ass cant reciprocate in the gift-giving this year. Then I thought about doing a huge post counting down the "Top Ten Greatest Movies That You Have Probably Never Seen Or Even Heard Of", but that also sounded like too much work so I scrapped that for another day (It's coming. I want to do more lists like that here in the future as well).
So, for today's entertainment, here's a video of He-Man getting a blow job. Enjoy.
I was thinking about doing a big mega-post where I put up an Amazon Christmas wish-list with links and photos of all the DVD's, CD's, and books that I want, but I'm too fucking lazy and I don't deserve to have any of it because my broke ass cant reciprocate in the gift-giving this year. Then I thought about doing a huge post counting down the "Top Ten Greatest Movies That You Have Probably Never Seen Or Even Heard Of", but that also sounded like too much work so I scrapped that for another day (It's coming. I want to do more lists like that here in the future as well).
So, for today's entertainment, here's a video of He-Man getting a blow job. Enjoy.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Three Things I Learned This Weekend:
1.) It's impossible for Christopher Guest and the rest of his ensemble to make a bad film, and their newest, For Your Consideration, is among the best they've ever done. A hilarious, spot-on skewering of Academy Award pandering, low-budget filmmaking, and "Access Hollywood"-type programming. if you loved Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, or A Mighty Wind, this is required viewing. If you just don't get this type of humor...you suck.
2) I suck at Foosball. Hard.
3) Tom Brady is still the man and even though 85% of the team is suffering from mortal wounds and unable to play, the Pats are still going to win the Super Bowl bee-yotches.
2) I suck at Foosball. Hard.
3) Tom Brady is still the man and even though 85% of the team is suffering from mortal wounds and unable to play, the Pats are still going to win the Super Bowl bee-yotches.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Well, This is Interesting...
Your Political Profile: |
| Overall: 40% Conservative, 60% Liberal |
| Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal |
| Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal |
| Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal |
| Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal |
| Defense and Crime: 100% Conservative, 0% Liberal |
Friday, December 01, 2006
Like You Care...
The screenplay is currently up to page 11 and it's going okay, but it's taking me forever to finish writing the opening of the film because I keep coming up with lines and ideas for scenes that occur later. I also wrote three more comic strips this week and the artwork that I've seen from the Madfrog is amazing.
Umass grad school is looking really tough to get into. I met with the head of the Communications department and he told me that out of 100-120 applicants worldwide, only 20 or are accepted and only 12 actually enroll. Yikes. I would also need four "glowing" letters of recommendation from former professors, which would have to come from people that I haven't seen or spoken to in over five years. Not to mention getting a high score on the GRE exam and the "personal statement" I would have to write, which is basically a preview of my grad thesis. I'm not sure that school is the best choice anymore. Perhaps it's best to just forget about getting my Masters and think about starting job searches in bigger cities.
For the second year in a row, Christmas is going to be a difficult time to get through. I can't buy anyone any gifts and I'm worried about my health. I went in for a complete physical and had to have blood taken for some scary tests. Please keep me in your thoughts and hope everything comes back all right.
Umass grad school is looking really tough to get into. I met with the head of the Communications department and he told me that out of 100-120 applicants worldwide, only 20 or are accepted and only 12 actually enroll. Yikes. I would also need four "glowing" letters of recommendation from former professors, which would have to come from people that I haven't seen or spoken to in over five years. Not to mention getting a high score on the GRE exam and the "personal statement" I would have to write, which is basically a preview of my grad thesis. I'm not sure that school is the best choice anymore. Perhaps it's best to just forget about getting my Masters and think about starting job searches in bigger cities.
For the second year in a row, Christmas is going to be a difficult time to get through. I can't buy anyone any gifts and I'm worried about my health. I went in for a complete physical and had to have blood taken for some scary tests. Please keep me in your thoughts and hope everything comes back all right.
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