Moving Again. Yes, Again.

Hello everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates as of late, but I've been busy transferring everything over to wordpress. It's not a finished product quite yet, but it's up and running and everything posted here is now up at the new site (sans Youtube videos, which somehow didn't make the exporting process). I've even got a new header that I designed all by my lonesome on Photoshop. It's simple, but I think it's cool (Madfrog, lemme know what you think).

So, no more posts here. Update your links over to thecarter.wordpress.com. See you there!

HOLY SHIT

This is the greatest video of all time. To whoever did this: you are my hero. Incredible.

Monkeyshines

I don't usually pimp local music acts, but I'm going to make an exception in this case.The Primate Fiasco is a fun-lovin' bunch of incredible young musicians who play old-timey New Orleans-style jazz tunes. I saw them at the Iron Horse music hall in downtown Northampton last Saturday night and the crowd absolutey went nuts for these guys. They put on a hell of a show, complete with face painting, trophies for the best dancers, a hula-hooping girl, and some improv comedy sketches. Check them out if you get the chance. They do a killer "Muppet Show Theme".

Wait...A Muppets What?

According to a report over at muppetcentral.com, a new 10-minute Muppet Show "pilot" has been filmed and is going to be shopped around to the networks. If you're too lazy to click on the link and read the full article, here's a brief snippet:

The short pilot uses the television syntax of a documentary (think "The Office" meets "The Muppet Show"). The series revolves around Kermit the Frog as he attempts to reassemble the Muppet troupe and launch a new Muppet show.

Hmmm...now that's an interesting concept. Instead of seeing the actual variety show, we'd follow the Muppets behind the scenes trying to put the show together, Reality TV style. Muppet fans have been clamoring for years to get Jim Henson's felt creations back on the air on a regular basis since the original Muppet Show went off the air in 1981, but none of the attempts made after Henson's death were successful. One reason for this may be that television audiences simply grew tired of and moved on from traditional variety shows. Certainly now, in this day and age of the nonexistent attention span, airing a variety show (even with the Muppets) would be ratings suicide. It's an antiquated format, and I don't think today's American Idol-loving audiences would pay any attention to it.

This new show sounds interesting to me, and I'll definitely tune in to see Gonzo, Lew Zealand, Fozzy, and the others, but a part of me thinks that perhaps Brian Henson and his team should leave well enough alone. Much of the Muppet "magic" died along with Jim Henson, and most of the Muppet projects made after his death were either mediocre at best or downright train-wrecks that suffered from poor vocal work, weak writing and an emphasis on newer characters like Clifford who just weren't up to snuff.

Still, how funny would it be to see Miss Piggy give Fergie a karate-chop, or Lew Zeleand chuck a fish at Paris Hilton? What do you think of this idea?

Top Ten Greatest Heavy Metal Album Covers

I've been a fan of heavy metal music since I was old enough to watch MTV. Since I was an imaginative kid who loved Star Wars, comic books, and swords-and-sorcery, it was only natural that I would be attracted to the visual style of the early 1980's heavy metal videos. Metal clips like Motley Crue's Looks That Kill, The Scorpions' Rock You Like A Hurricane, and Def Leppard's Rock of Ages were chock full of swords, spikes, lasers, explosions, skulls, dragons, and to help push along those developing hormones, plenty of scantily clad metal babes. These bands weren't just four or five guys standing around a studio playing their instruments, they were larger-than-life super heroes using the powers of rock to battle demons or escape from giant glowy triangles (I'm talkin' to you, Joe Elliot!).

Later, when I was old enough to start buying the actual albums from the bands I saw on MTV, I was stunned by the colorful, eye-catching artwork that adorned their covers . Heavy metal album covers definitely stood out from the pack with their epic, beautifully-painted depictions of horrific creature mascots or demon-filled hellscapes. Heavy metal album covers also featured some incredible design work that remains classic and timeless to this day. So, for all you metal fans out there, boxcar astronaut is proud to present the top ten greatest heavy metal album covers of all-time. (Remember, if you disagree with my selections, you are wrong!)

Click on images for larger, hi-rez versions.


10.) AC/DC-Back in Black (1980) Black. Simple. Timeless. Classic. Rock. The end.


9.) Megadeth-Peace Sells, But Who's Buying? (1986) Ahhh...Vic Rattlehead, The second most popular metal band mascot of all-time. Ol' Vic here is the Pepsi to Iron Maiden's mascot Eddie's Coke. Vic's metal and bone visage is meant to represent the old proverb "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" with metal clamps bolted to the skull's jaw, eye sockets, and ear area. It's one of the more striking designs in all of heavy metal and Dave Mustaine was wise to use a mascot like Vic to gain commercial appeal for the band as well as a way to separate themselves from Metallica. A great political painting that conveys Mustaine's disdain for the policies of the United Nations in the 1980's.


8.) Judas Priest-Screaming For Vengeance (1982) It was difficult to choose between this or the Defenders of the Faith cover, as both were designed by the same artist and feature awesome-looking heavy metal creatures out to kick ass and take names. In the end, I think the Vengeance cover is a little more well-known, not to mention the fact that the design somehow managed to make bright yellow an acceptable color for a heavy metal album cover.


7.) Slayer-South of Heaven (1988) Scott Ian of the band Anthrax once said that if you went to Hell, the only music you'd hear would be Slayer. Take one look at any of Slayer's album covers, and you would believe him. It doesn't get much more evil and Satanic than the Reign in Blood cover, with it's full checklist of horrific imagery. Skull? Check. Inverted Crucifix? Check. Lake of fire? Check. Demons? Check. Pentagram? Check. Shocked and terrified parents? Check!


6.) Metallica-Master of Puppets (1986) Choosing a Metallica cover for this list was incredibly difficult. It's like asking a Mother to pick their favorite child...it's just not fair. They're all different, but you love all of them equally. I picked Master of Puppets though, simply because it's the first image that pops in my head when I hear the band's name. Featuring an endless row of white crosses marking nameless graves under an ominous dark sky, and a pair of disembodied hands controlling puppet strings, the Master cover warns the listener of the horrors of war and drug addiction.


5.) Dio-Holy Diver (1983) When it comes to album covers featuring demons, dragons, and other swords-and-sorcery elements, nobody comes close to the master, Ronnie James Dio. In this painting by Randy Berrett, we have the classic DIO demon mascot standing atop a sinister mountain, flashing the metal horns with his hand and twirling some badass chain around as he watches a shackled priest sink into the ocean. Now if that doesn't scream Metal, I don't know what does!


4.) KISS-Destroyer (1976) It would be unthinkable to compile a list like this and not include KISS, the undisputed champions of comic-book style, mass-marketable record artwork. Destroyer is far and away the most memorable and coolest of the KISS album covers, immortalized forever on T-shirts, buttons and posters hung on many a teenager's wall in the 1970's. Paul, Ace, Peter, and Gene strike classic poses and appear as larger-than-life rock Gods destroying everything in their path.


3.) Guns N' Roses-Appetite for Destruction (1987) Here we have all the essential ingredients of a classic metal album cover: a gothic cross, skeletonized versions of the band, and mighty banners displaying the band's logo. It's amazing to think that this timeless album cover was actually a last-minute substitution for the original album artwork, a painting by Robert Williams of a robotic rapist about to attacked by a strange creature with swords for teeth (this painting does actually appear in the liner notes). Read the story about the artwork controversy at Wikipedia. Both of these pieces of artwork just scream rock-n-roll sleaze, and are crucial parts of one of the greatest albums ever recorded.


2.) Iron Maiden-Killers (1981) Eddie is the absolute King and ruler over all heavy metal mascots. I could sit here and compile a top-ten list of just Iron Maiden album covers with ease. It's utterly impossible to imagine heavy metal music without the stunning Derek Riggs' paintings of this crazy zombie-thing in all of his many incarnations. Over the years Eddie has been depicted as a Pharoah, a cyborg, a solider, the grim reaper, a mental patient, an English King, and countless other identities. To me, Killers has always shown the true "essence" of Eddie, giving us the blueprint for all future variations of the character. It's certainly the most gruesome Iron Maiden cover, with Eddie holding a bloody axe and flashing his trademark psychotic grin as a recently butchered victim clings to Eddie's shirt. You don't even need to listen to the music to know that this is the cover to an evil, loud heavy metal album. That's power, and that's why the Eddie artwork is so brilliant.


1.) Pantera-Vulgar Display of Power (1992) This is the greatest heavy metal album cover of all-time simply because the image conveys the effects of the sounds contained within. When you listen to this record, it will feel like you've been punched in the face. Hard.

Movie Review: Pan's Labyrinth

Thanks to director Guillermo Del Toro's latest cinematic vision El Labertino del Fuano (Pan's Labyrinth), I may never sleep again. I saw things on the movie screen last night-nightmarish things-that I may never be able to erase from my mind for as long as I live. I'm not so sure I would want them erased though, for haunting and disturbing as they were to behold, they were equally beautiful and powerful.

Pan's Labyrinth tells the tale of Ofelia, a young girl traveling with her pregnant mother to a mill in the remote forests of Spain in 1944, where the military is attempting to eliminate the last vestiges of opposition left over from the Spanish Civil War. Ofelia has been traumatized deeply by the horrors of the war; losing her real father, being forced to leave her home in the city behind, and seeing her Mother married and impregnated by the cruel and sadistic Captain Vidal, who mercilessly seeks to torture and wipe out the guerilla freedom fighters hiding in the woods.

To cope with this harsh reality, Ofelia escapes into her fairy tale books and creates a dark fantasy world around her where she is an ancient Princess of a mystical kingdom populated with a menagerie of bizarre and terrifying creatures. Chief among these strange monsters is the horned, cloven-hoofed Faun, who serves as Ophelia's guide. The Faun tells Ophelia that if she can complete three dangerous tasks, her spirit can escape the mortal body she is trapped in and reclaim her place in the fantasy realm.

Del Toro's previous works (Blade 2, Mimic, Hellboy) displayed a dynamic visual style, but they were all slick Hollywood fare, adapted from other creators' source material with the intent of mass-market appeal. With Pan's labyrnith, Del Toro gets to take all of his finest brushes out and paint a completely original picture for the audience. The results are nothing short of astonishing. It's one of the most visually stunning movies you will ever see, with brilliant color pallets for each of the worlds presented. Ofelia's miserable existence in the bleak old mill house, living under the tyrannical rule of Captain Vidal is a washed-out canvas of cold greys, blues and blacks. The mystical world of the Faun, however, has a warm, earthy color scheme of reds, oranges, browns, and greens.

Despite the lure of fairies and wondrous imaginary beings, this is absolutely not a film that should be viewed by children under any circumstances. There are scenes of horrific violence and torture, and that's just in the "real world". Ofelia's fantasy kingdom is occupied by hideous abominations that can live on in a child's nightmares for years. The Pale Man sequence, in particular, is utterly horrifying. It's the scariest, most disturbing imagery I have ever seen in a motion picture. Pan's Labyrinth is a serious, metaphorical commentary on the atrocities that war can inflict on the innocent, and there can be no denying that Del Toro has crafted a true masterpiece. It's a brutal, haunting film that weighs on your soul long after the final images fade from the projector. Mesmerizing and brilliant.

9.0 out of 10

So Boston, How Was Your January?

Good God, January was a terrible freakin' month for the city of Boston. Bostonians watched helplessly as their beloved New England Patriots, a mighty football dynasty that always pulled out the close wins when it mattered the most, fall apart and blow an 18-point lead to the Colts in the AFC Championship game. The Boston Celtics, once a proud and mighty sports franchise that racked up 16 World Championships over the years, are in the midst of a record-tying 13-game losing streak. Their record is a pitiful 12-33, good for second-worst in the entire NBA.

Not far behind them in the "inept and hopeless" category are the Boston Bruins, who are in last place in the National Hockey League's Northeast division with a mark of 22-23. They are currently on a four-game losing streak, which included lopsided losses to the New York Rangers (6-1) and the Buffalo Sabres (7-1). At one point this season, the Bruins lost a game 10-1. If you're unfamiliar with the sport, getting beat 10-1 in a hockey game is like getting crushed 70-3 in a football game. It's almost impossible for a team to give up that many goals in one game, but the B's managed to do it somehow.

But Boston's shame and embarrassment is not all sports-related, as thousands of innocent Bostonians realized yesterday when the city was shut down by those meddlesome, mischievous, Mooninites. Yes, a Cartoon Network marketing campaign involving light-up devices (resembling a Lite Brite) in the form of harmless cartoon characters placed throughout the city struck terror and panic in citizens. So much panic and terror in fact, that police, bomb squads, and federal authorities shut down the city until they figured out what was going on.

Un. Freakin. Believable.

Boston, know the face of your destroyer!

It just goes to show you that these days, all it takes is a couple paranoid idiots jumping to conclusions about a piece of plastic on a bridge to tie up traffic for hours and make life a nightmare for thousands of smarter people. Unfortunately, these paranoid idiots just happen to be from Boston, and they've brought humiliation to ol' Beantown on a National scale. Now, maybe this unannounced, unapproved, guerrilia marketing tactic wasn't the greatest idea, but fuck people...we need to be smarter than this. These things had been seen in Los Angeles, New York and other major U.S. cities for two weeks, and no one in those places thought they were under a terrorist attack. This whole thing just makes Boston look foolish. Way to go, ass-clowns.